Starfleet Commanders Kick Ass, c. 1984 - This sold well but then I had to give all the money to Gene Roddenberry's estate.
Alabama has its own Statue of Liberty. It's in Birmingham. Not a gift from France but from the founder of the Liberty National Life Insurance Company -- which makes it better than the Yankee one. It's also better because it's smaller. You can take dramatic photos of it being dwarfed by the American flag. You can not do this with the Yankee statue unless you built a flagpole that was a mile long and took a photo from a helicopter.
The Daughters of the Confederacy provided refreshments. Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann, the candidate with the highest rating with respect to immigration (NumbersUSA gave her an Excellent for "Oppose Amnesty" and a full KKK rating for "Hatred/Racist") was in attendance. Though she was busy firing an automatic weapon into the air, she was kind enough to give us a quote, "About darn time, I don't know who I hate more the Mexicans, the French or them New York, edumacated women that think they're better than me."
Governor Christie disagreed... until I offered him an Oreo cookie -- then he agreed to agree. For two Oreo cookies he fixed a couple of parking tickets and gave me a free helicopter ride. For a Mallomar, he said I could have his wife, Snooki and Joe Piscopo for a few hours while he ate dinner. Sadly, I did not have a Mallomar.
Fat and skinny had a race
This movie takes place in Berlin in 1966 and Israeli in 1999. Young Rachel is played by Jessica the smoking hot redhead of my dreams. Old Rachel is played by Helen Mirren. This was easily understood. There was only one female Jew in Berlin in 1966 and she had a large, hideous scar on her right cheek. When Helen Mirren shows up with a large, hideous scar on her right cheek, my dick had no problem figuring out who she was. 
Unfortunately, my dick is not the smartest organ in my body despite the fact that I have often been been accused of thinking with it.
Worst casting ever!!! Why would you painstakingly recreate Cold War Berlin then cast the exact wrong actors in the corresponding roles!?!
I thought that the loss of blood from my brain during all the gynecological scenes may have left me confused so I asked the guy next to me. He was just as befuddled. IMDB confirmed it.
This morning I was cut-off by an asshole with a Jesus fish on his car. I'm not talking about a slight, sorry but I didn't see you cut-off. I'm talking about a narrowly escaped a five car pileup I had to slam on my brakes so hard that now I'm going to have to replace them six months earlier kind of cut off.
Just in case I missed the subtle Jesus Fish, Mr. Turn the Other Cheek While I Ram my Toyota Sienna Up Your Ass had a hot pink bumper sticker proclaiming his love for Jesus for all the world to see. Thanks a lot Dickhead! Now, I know who to hate.
I'm glad you love Jesus. You know what I love? I love masturbating.
But I don't slap a fucking bumper sticker on the back of my car so I can feel better than you.
Look, God knows that I rarely honored my mother and father, I often covet my neighbor's wife and I love to take the Lord's name in vain -- but you know what I don't do? I don't risk another person's life because I'm late for fucking church.
Strangely, I look about as happy in my alternate universe as I do in my real universe...
John Sterling the despicable, unlistenable, makes Phil Rizutto sound like Vince Scully-able, radio announcer for the Yankees makes these personalized homerun calls that suck.
I sent Sterling a tweet and suggested:
Wait, we can be funnier.
Judd Apatow looks over the CGI guy's shoulder.
"What have you got for me, Bobby?
Hmmm, can you deflate them both about 40%? No, give them some sag, make 'em really deflated. Good. Now, make the right nipple bigger and the left one shouldn't be so round. It looks more like a gorilla's nose,with dimples and kind of wrinkled. Give it a few coarse, black hairs. Excellent.
How about some freckles and a rash in the cleavage. Nice. Make the rash redder, redder, redder. Okay, almost there. Can we do sweat? Good. Put some sweat glistening underneath."
"Perfect."
"Now, does this thing have a nag button?"
Caesar from Rise of the Planet of the Apes!!! You know, if I was a scientist like James Franco, and I was the stepfather of a super-intelligent ape, I would name him Gandhi.
Actually, my movie is sounding better and better.
And today's winner so far is:
Jesus H. Christ has only 1,904 followers and only eight tweets total from back in April of 2007.
Best Tweet - Solved that Sudoku. In case you were wondering.
Rating - Poser
Jesus Christ was propably first because he has the best name, Jesus Underscore Christ. I capitalized the underscore because above all I'm respectful. Unfortunately, He lists his home as Idaho and has only 8,806 followers.
Jesus has 275,336 followers. Not Charlie Sheen numbers but not bad.
And he's number 1 on Jesus' speed dial. Did I just hear the entire Vatican Council shudder? Jesus M. Christ is the funniest of all the Jesuses in a Jimmy Kimmel sort of way and seems to be in love with Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers. Jesus is supposed to love everyone so maybe I'm just reading something into this.
Best Tweet - The people of Sodom and Gomorrah think Charlie Sheen has been a bit over the top.
Rating - Possible
Being only half-Christian, I can't tell which of the possible Jesuses is the real Jesus. If you're better qualified post a comment or send me an e-mail. All hate mail should be sent here.
Conservatively, if you add the two best Jesuses together, you're only talking a half a day of work for the out-of-work Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen bigger than Jesus? Yes.
What kind of desperation causes a man to type that phrase into a search engine? What was he really hoping to find? America's Sweetheart has done a lot of dumb things in her life but getting filmed with a cock in her ass is not one of them.
But my loyal readers, I always aim to please and I make this promise to you. If I ever find myself and my cock in the unlikely position of entering into an agreement with Sandra Bullock's buttocks, I will borrow a good camera and I will get a photo and I will post it on this blog. I'll frame and light the shot correctly, adjust the aperture to maximize the depth of field and I will make sure Sandra Bullock is looking over her shoulder at me by yelling something appropriate in a hoarse, out of breath voice. Something like, "Sandra Bullock! Look at me you dirty chola, look at my penis boldly going where your poopies normally exit your body!"
Hours later, while Sandra Bullock's sweat mingles with my own, as her heartbeat echos through my six-pack abs, I will listen to Wagner's Ring Cycle, to drown out Ms. Bullock's whispers of gratitute and her endless stories about her precious kid.
Donald Trump hastily organizes a combination rescue mission and television show called Kan You Rescue a Kardashian and maybe Snooki? The winner will receive $25,000 and a Bruce Springsteen Limited Boxed Set.
Snooki's teeny, tiny feet are not really a meal fit for a Kardashian.
Kim was always present at Uncle OJ's murder trial.
Kim was often brought into legal huddles to add her perspective on the proceedings.
Days after remarrying, Tiger Woods is caught cheating on his new bride when he accidently tweets the location and time of an illicit coupling to 430 million followers. TMZ breaks the story and the New York Post has a field day when Tiger's mistress turns out to be none other than Nadya Suleman, the notorious Octomom.
